I think it was somewhere around grade six when I learned the
word vicarious. All of a sudden my friends and I were “living vicariously”
through each other all the time. It
was a word that had mystery and adult appeal. We felt so mature. For us it
meant “I wish I could go to the movies with you and that boy but I can’t, so we’ll
talk about it on Monday and I’ll re-live all the details with you and I’ll
pretend like I was there and not at home putting barrettes in my cat’s hair”.
Vicarious living was fun. It was better than the lives we were living.
I have been teaching and talking and walking with many
Sisters as they work with and acknowledge less fun vicarious living, vicarious trauma,
in their own lives. I have told them
that vicarious trauma is real and is not their fault. I have worked with them
on simple, barely-scratch-the-surface-of-the-hurt-we-feel coping mechanisms and
self-care mechanisms. I am pretty good
at telling other people what they need to do to take care of themselves.
I am less good at telling those things to myself. I have
been going to counseling when we go to Nairobi and it has become clear that
some of my own sadness is largely based in this very thing I teach about. It turns out that vicarious trauma is so much
less fun than vicariously going to a movie was. It turns out that while I can
tell other people it is a real thing, the things I tell myself sound a lot more
like: “Why are you reacting this way? This
didn’t happen to you. You’re okay. You’re in a safe place. Stop being such a
whiner” and more often “Stop feeling. Stop it. Right now.” What’s that unhelpful and not true saying
again? Oh yeah: Those who can’t do, teach…. And as we know I am a teacher by
training.
So while I can’t do it that well right now I can perhaps try
to teach myself by typing it out, by making it real, by allowing the community
of people who read this blog to support me and tell me that I am allowed to
feel how I feel, that my vicarious traumatic reactions don’t belittle or negate
the stories and the trauma of the people I care about, and that caring for me
is an okay thing to do as well.
Here’s to trying to be honest about hard things on a really
public forum.
Heart-in-throat, eyes-cast-down,
ashamed-though-I-know-I-shouldn’t-be, I sign off.
Kaitlyn:
ReplyDeleteYour comments are so powerful! I'm glad you're trusting us with your insights. You are a good "feeler" and you are helping all of us feel with you. Thank you. thank you. thank you.
Don't believe that saying about teachers.
Love, Grandma Julie
A toast to you most brave of sisters. For saying the hard things out loud and feeling them too. Don't stop feeling, that would be the worst. It is like taking the battery out of a faulty smoke alarm instead of replacing it. The replacing is hard work, but smoke alarms save out lives and we need them. We need feelings to know who we are and what is meaningful around us. I love love love you, and wish I could give you a big hug and let you use my big sandtray.
ReplyDeleteHere's to you and honesty!
Lora
The article was amazing and so helpful. As it says, understanding what you're experiencing is a huge step - being able to put a name to what your feeling can sometimes make it a lot more manageable. Also, getting help. You are doing the right thing! You are brave, you are strong, you are sensitive, you are empathetic, you are deep, you are open, you are full of wisdom. Continue to be yourself...Thank you for being yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are having a very difficult time. A lot of times people cut themself's off from their feeling to be able to cope. You need to feel what ever you feel. Maybe it is time to put yourself first, not care if people judge you, do what is best for you and be well. We love and miss you. Don't beleive the teacher thing either. It is something people who can't teach say.
ReplyDeleteYour Aunt Cindy
I love you!... or even better... i LUF you. keep your head up- lurk your inbox. left a little treat for you there :)
ReplyDeletethere is a saying that goes, 'write your blessings in marble, your troubles in dust', and ive been going back to that lately, in terms of a lot of things. when im having really difficult thoughts or hard days, i make a big effort to call someone i care about, or email them, or do something fun for myself, or do something that will make me smile... it reminds me of the massive support system that i have; it reminds me to look for the light in days that feel gloomy. I say the same thing to you. remember youre made of great stuff. we are all behind you.
XOXO caylash
i love the fact that you are reaching out and believing that you will be heard and loved and celebrated and comforted. it is indeed true that all these gifts that you seek and need right now are available. prayers and hugs, m
ReplyDeleteit's brave to ask for help, and it's brave to admit out loud when things aren't going so well. you are brave. i love you.
ReplyDeleteAaah, dear Kaitlyn, we are joining this circle of love and support around you guys. May you continue to write, cry, laugh, FEEL, ...until shame is banished and your eyes look up. XOXO
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing Kaitlyn. Your pain and sadness is now mine as well and I will try to hold and carry you along with all those who love you dearly. Julene
ReplyDeleteSending my love and support to you both as you move through this difficult time. The candle in our kitchen is lit every day and I send my prayers and best wishes, honouring your courage, your honesty, your hopes and all that you have been, are and will be .....
ReplyDeleteSusan
Kaitlyn I am so proud of you. It is very hard to ask for help. I have trouble doing it because I feel like I should not need help when I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I love you so much. I am here for you. If there is anything at all I can do to help please let me know. I have big hugs waiting for you when I see you next. Anyone who says that saying about teachers has no idea what it takes to be a teacher. They could never teach. Ignore them and their saying because they are not worth a second of your time.
ReplyDeleteHugs and kisses, fellow teacher and friend, Jenny Lee
Kaitlyn - I commend you for your vulnerability and for reaching out for support from those who love you. The link to the website about vicarious trauma was also very helpful in trying to understand what you are experiencing. As a caregiver I understand the challenge of caring for others when my own well is dry. But I have never worked in a setting like Sudan where the pain and suffering among your people is so deep. Of course it will have an effect on you... because you are you, a deeply caring person. Your blog reflections reveal that intellectually you understand what you are facing, as you minister in Sudan. But I often find that it's the emotional and spiritual (and perhaps physical) work that is harder to do... and so I pray for you and for Luke as you take new courage to focus on yourselves, for a time. May God hold you close and remind you of your true calling, as God's beloved child. Sherri Martin-Carman
ReplyDeleteKaitlyn and Luke, you have been in our thoughts and prayers this past week. I know this is hard, and I pray that you accept all these wonderful things that have been said about you. May you find healing and peace with the decisions you've made. May the presence of God and community bless the work and love you have shown and experienced in Sudan. Margaret & Gary
ReplyDelete